Black swan in the Matrix

The day I resigned in my last job, it felt like a breakup with my career not knowing for the first time, what the future holds for me

Weird thing is, how the hell I know about a breakup, when I never had one in my life

I never had the time…!!!!!

You see, my biggest defect is

I’m a perfectionist

So I kept hopping to be perfect from one role to other

Perfect daughter, perfect sister, perfect student, perfect team member, perfect lead, perfect employee

It may sound bizzare

but I’m that kind of a girl who gave my entire life up until now to my job

I have made no money, property, car or any of the materialistic things for myself, if you are judging me for that

The way I was raised, I should’ve been married by now with 3 kids

But I guess I was always an outcast since I was a kid

But I also, have a stupid heart that cares way too much for everyone and it is me who suffers in the end

No one, bloody no one, will give you an award for being the perfect woman, best daughter, best employee despite that’s the only aim we are trained for in every step of our life

I had dreams too

I wanted to do so many things

( Sounds like I’m dead)

Visiting the ABBA museum, Anne Frank’s house, Louvre, Dollywood, AngkorWat, Egypt …

The list is endless really and I have literally achieved nothing for myself

I was just trying to be a good student for my institutions

A great daughter for my family

Trying to be the best employee for my organisation

And now sometimes it hurts me to see I got nothing worthwhile out of any of it

I’m not a failure

And I don’t want to disrespect my journey

I’m very grateful to all the lessons I have learned so far, the people I met, the risks I took( maybe they look small to you but it weren’t for me ), the jobs I took

But I’m a very ordinary girl in the world, who still hasn’t ticked any boxes w.r.t materialistic achievements