I exist
By the time, I turned 3, the family living on the ground floor of our apartment, didn’t know, that a girl was born to Pandey’s
I was never taken out of the house
(Rapunzel..!!!!)
After that followed, more love and care from my Big family, which meant:
Not going out of home post sunset, as if I was going anywhere
(Night curfew)
Dress code rules
No Black, No white, No sleeveless (forget backless, you are NOT CHARACTERLESS, are you?)
So, only my head would be seen in my full-sleeve, full length frocks
As I grew, it turned out to be salwar kameez, as my dress code, again only head was the visible part of my body
You see, I come from a very reputed family and at all cost, I should be protected
because “Beta, zamaana bada kharaab”
“the world is not safe” and maybe it isn’t, it never was
As I grew followed more family disputes in my house
So, I literally became a 100 year old woman, when I was just 13
and there was also a financial crunch
Dad stopped his practise because he was too hurt by his father kicking us out from the home
that was my biggest birthday gift, my grandad gave, 2 days before my 14th birthday
The following vacation went, with me, just sitting by the window pane and wishing and hoping a peaceful life for myself
but I was never allowed to think for myself (not to this day)
So I failed miserably at it
This is exactly where songs came to my rescue
I wouldn’t have survived this harsh life, had it not been for the music
The time I got into Engineering (my arranged marriage)
I became the son of the family, the man of the house — — atleast in my head
and being at a all women’s university, actually helped this notion of mine
Before the end of the 7th semester of my Graduation, I got a placement
I was relived, an ROI
My maternal grandad said :”Beta, ab tum tumhari maa ka sahara ho gayi”
“Now, you are your mother’s support system”
and he passed away within days of this
So, I literally became not just the support but a shield for my mom
Growing up in my family, seeing domestic violence (as they call it)between family members, I was never a fan of Marriage
Though I was raised in every possible way to be the PERFECT Daughter-in-Law
but Do, you ever give up on the goose that gives you the golden eggs?
NEVER …!!!!!
I spent this entire life, spending myself on my family;
Only to understand, during the pandemic, that it was never about me
never about love
Yes, I’m born and raised in Mumbai
but like an Indian family that would leave India and go Outside and hold very tightly to their so called Indian-ness;
my family held on to a madness on their convenience
they didn’t become a true Brahmin
or a mumbaikar in any sense
and definitely made a joke out of my life
To all, the youngsters, who message me, they want to be like me,
I don’t even pray for my life to my worst enemy
Yes, I’m what I am because of all these people and situations in my life
and maybe my hardships are nothing, compared to most people on this planet
I would still NOT inflict, this unnecessary misery on anyone
You really don’t want to be like — -Me
PS: This world can’t handle, even one of me, right now ;)
